Judgement

I was talking to my grandpa earlier today about dating. I said, "I tend to give such and such a girl a chance..." he cut me off right there, saying that that statement alone implies elitism. Who am I to decide who gets a chance or not. I then tried to continue by saying,"...because I need all the chances I can get." I fought his statement saying that he didn't let me finish my sentence, which didn't sound elitist at all. In his effort to be right, and continue teaching he said a few other things in return. He told me that I had a dichotomy of elitism and self degradation in me, and also that I needed to say the positive instead of the negative first because many people will judge me based on what I say first. So instead of saying what I just said, I would reverse it by saying, "Because I need all of the chances that I can get, I continue to give such and such girl a chance."

As far as his other statement is concerned, the dichotomy of self degradation and elitism, my question is this; Isn't that what we're taught in the gospel? Not that we are better than anyone, but that we are less than the dust of the earth, and yet our worth is eternal and unmeasurable? Based on that, I would say that my paradigm is on.

Anyway, back to the fact that I said I needed to place the positive first for judgement purposes. I think he's right. Not necessarily that the positive must be placed first, but that people are quick to judge based on what they hear first. I think that that is a valid point, and one to be very aware of. I have judged and been judged so very quickly that it is disgusting. The odd thing about quick judgement is that none of us think that we are doing it even when we are. We think that we have gather sufficient facts and that it is time to make our judgement and move on. It is tricky to know when it is time to move on, because we don't want to linger in a negative place, so how do we know when we've learned sufficiently and when we need to move on. This is why I decide to rely so heavily on the Lord, because there is no one right answer. This is why we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost. It bothers me on occasion when the people who love me chastise me for lingering in an area too long. I'm not saying that they are always wrong, because sometimes we naturally stagnate in some ways in life. However, I'm not saying that they are always right either. I am intelligent, this is my life, I have the gift of the Holy Ghost just as well as they.

This brings up another point. I have been taught in life to gather information from many areas and make a decision on my own, based upon the information that I've gathered. I get so irritated after I've made a decision and people I love come and second guess me... Are you sure you know what you're doing? So I'll rethink, and reevaluate the situation to death, and never act. Which only brings more criticism and more concern as they wonder why I am not acting. On the other side of the coin, often when I do act, they'll get irritated because I did things my own way instead of doing exactly what they said. What kind of Hell is this? Talk about a lose lose situation. Please excuse the language. I want people around me who will give me their opinion once and respect when I've made up my mind. I know I bring the plague on myself when I hesitate to act. I'm just talking about the ideal here :)

Anyway, this blog post is kind of a conglomeration of somewhat random thoughts. I guess I want to end with this idea, based on scripture, to be careful how we judge because we will be judged on the same type of judgement. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be judged on the hypocritical type judgement that I sometimes unknowingly deliver based on the little information I've gathered.

Now

So often we drown ourselves in the tangible that we can't feel the intangible screaming for air. In effort to keep from feeling the hurt and loneliness that so many of us single people, and even married, experience, we occupy our lives with things that we pretend matter.
Since I haven't had much of a direction as far a work, school, or relationships are concerned, there has been few things tangible to block the intangible. Lately as I've come home to relax after a day of being out and about, I feel my heart screaming at me and I can barely stand it. So I kneel down and plead with the Lord to help something to change. My mind continually goes back to the song "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." How true that is. The reason that my heart is screaming is because I currently lack meaningful relationships. A few months ago, when I was living with my brother and sister in-law, that part of me was being mostly satisfied. But now, I barely have a roommate to talk to.
My council to all, including myself, is to appreciate what you have in the moment because you never know how long it is going to last.
Maybe as I focus less on the tangible distractions that I am trying to manipulate in my life and focus more on appreciating life as it is, relationships as they are while continuing to try to improve on them, the screaming will quiet. Quiet enough at least until I can find a significant other and can create meaning in a family of my own. But for now, I will focus on the positives here and now. Developing an eye that is not always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but sees the small cracks of light in the mortar around me. Gratitude is about appreciating what is, and hoping for the best in the future.
I am grateful for the screams that my heart makes in the darkness now. Because it is pushing me to do better, to be better. Allowing life to be fuller and richer in the future as I focus on and appreciate the relationships that I have. I know that the contrast of the light from the darkness will be great, beautiful, and everlastingly appreciated as the light comes my way. And I know that life can be much happier presently as I learn to strengthen my connection with God because He will teach me how to better appreciate the beauties of now.

Willard

So, I was watching a movie last night entitled Willard. Not one that I would particularly recommend, but I noticed an interesting point as I thought about it today. The story was about Willard, a mid to late thirty year old man, still living with his mother. He hadn't done much with his life, very reclusive, and he worked for a company that his father started, even though his father was now dead. His boss was kind of heartless towards his situation and vulnerability and let him know that daily. Anyhow, through the story Willard is pushed to his sanities edge when his mom dies, and his only other friend, a pet rat named Sparticus is killed by his boss. Meanwhile, there is a girl in Willards office that has taken pitty on, and shown interest in him. But he can't seem to really notice that with all of the other losses consuming his world. Anyway, at that point in the story, Willard had a choice. The same choice he'd had all of his life, but at that point it was more prevalent, the choice of being a proactive agent in his life, or a victim. The reason I do not recommend this movie is because he chose to become a victim. He blamed all of his insecurities and sadness on his boss and ended up killing his boss-YUCK! When he could have chosen to move on, marry that girl, and live a much happier life than he had been living up to that point.
So today, I have chosen to be an proactive agent in my life rather than a psychopath that chooses to blame all of the worlds woes on others. I do have a tendency, as do we all at times, to take the victim role without even being aware of it, giving up my own power for some false sense of security. Wasn't that Satans plan. He wanted us to give up some of our agency, our right to choose, so that we could all be victims, have someone else to blame, all for a false sense of security. I sometimes wonder if that isn't what Obama's new health plan isn't partially about.
Christ's plan is the opposite. It is about taking responsiblity. Being a pro active choice maker. This is why we are taught to love those that despitefully hate and use us. That right there is a pro active choice. It is action, not reaction. Willard chose to re-act. I choose to act.

Worth

I finished writing a book of poetry called Worth a while back and I thought that I would insert the poems as comments of this post. A little background- I wrote many of these poems on my mission in place of journal keeping. I hope that you enjoy them!

Choosing To See The Positive

I graduated from BYU in Marriage and Family Studies almost eight months ago. And guess what, I still don't have a job. At first I started by creating my own business, but when I realized that that was going to take more money than I thought, I decided to start job hunting. Thus far my efforts remain fruitless.
I wrote on my facebook today, "One of the hardest lessons of life is learning that doing a positive thing does not always appear to have a positive outcome. The true test of bravery is choosing to see the positive anyway." The reason that I wrote that is because I feel like I have had to learn that lesson over and over again.
After my mom died on my mission, I had certain expectations for the blessings that I would be recieving for enduring well. Namely, come home, find a beautiful bride and get married. I think that the Lord laughed at many of those expectations and gave me the blessing of wisdom instead. Wisdom is an interesting blessing because it is not tangible or measurable, and can always be disputed by anyone at any time. I defined wisdom the other day as, "Wisdom is knowing how to love the world." I would also add, knowing how to love the world no matter the circumstances.
Anyway, after I had a bad break up with a beautiful girl... well... It is not that positive hasn't happened, it just hasn't happened in the way that I had expected. I often pray that the Lord will open my eyes to the blessings that he is giving me.
Most recently is graduating... A good thing? Yes. Good results... No Job... Only Wisdom :) I have been learning a lot about patience over the last few weeks in particular. I have also been gaining the ability to empathize with those who have had, and will have similar experiences.
I found it interesting last night, I was watching one of the newest versions of Romeo and Juliet with a few friends. I'm not sure what year it was made, but it was a weird twist of modern senery with oldschool language. Anyway, at the end of the show, I realized that I had very little empathy for the characters. I decided that that was because I couldn't find an experience in my own life that I felt very directly compared.
So there's a direct / intangible blessing we gain from experience, the blessing of empathy. Which is arguably one of the most important, if not the most important blessing we can recieve. The reason we are on this earth is not for cars, food, housing, and money obviously, but for people. Men are that they might have joy, and the only way to gain joy is to give it to, and recieve it from others. And the only way to truly give and recieve joy effectively is through empathy. Isn't that what our Savior taught us through the Atonement? Isn't that what we praise him for every Sunday; His ability to empathize and succor us?
We are taught that the great law is to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. How can we sufficiently do this unless we go through mortal experiences which teach us to empathize. As we empathize, we gain our most valuable commodity, connection with one another. So, rounding my thought off, I guess our greatest blessing isn't empathy, but connection with eachother, which is the same reason we do family history and temple work.
So, what a great blessing I am recieving in my jobless, marriageless state; I'm continually learning wisdom, and how to connect with God and His children!

Perspective

I'm sitting in a chair right now that faces one of the windows in my apartment. Every time I look out the window I have a choice. I'm faced with either viewing confinement or freedom, beauty or dullness. I have a choice view overlooking the valley, utah lake, and the moutains. The view is pretty hard to beat. However, right in front of that view lyes a brown, slightly worn fence, blocking a lot of what could be seen. I've thought about going out there and cutting a hole right where the window is, however I don't think that my landlord would particularly appreciate that. So thus, I am left with my choice. Do I look at the fence or what is beyond?